I found love. I wasn't sure it was possible for a person such as me, but I found it. I had promised myself I would never let someone else in again, because it would only lead to pain, but I heard the promises she made to me and I truely believed them and forgot my own. I lowered my guard and let her in. She replaced the cold iron with burning warmth, it felt incredible. The strength, the confidence, the knowing someone wholely believes in you, it was the best feeling.
I found happiness. What I had discovered was a creature who had been abandoned, outcast by family and friends and had been hurt over and over. I found her and swore, all of that would change if she followed me, I would protect her, keep her company and make sure she smiled again, everyday. She did, she began to smile, and through the new-found strength I had nurtured in her, I became strong. When she smiled at me I found myself smiling back. In providing her a harbour, I no longer felt alone, and every time I gazed at her pretty face I felt warm. For the first time in many many years, someone I loved cared for me completely. We were each others all.
I discovered meaning in life. In travelling thousands of miles, in indulging in her world, her embrace, her lips, I discovered the purpose of existing. True joy, true heartbeats, true tears. An experience I will never forget. A love and affection I had previously only read about and scoffed at but had never felt in the flesh before. Then the time came for us to part and I think I broke her heart but promised to return, to rediscover what we had given up. It wasn't to be enough.
I lost it all. I gave her my everything but I could never give enough, I relaxed for a second, I blinked and it was all gone, she disappeared so suddenly. Can I blame her? No, I never would, because I care too much and only ask myself why it didn't happen sooner. Now nothing remains but the memories, a dull pain in my chest and questions. So many questions...
What if we were better placed? What if I had held her faith? What if I had been more demanding? What if I had imposed more restrictions? What if I had sacrificed more? What if I had tried harder? What if I had been a stronger person? What if I was more interesting? What if I was funnier? What if I wasn't so powerless? What if I was enough for her, to fill her entire heart, the way she filled mine? What if... what if I was mean't to be alone.
Forsaken by love I lie in bed, on my own again - she promised I would never be. Memories and the shards of those broken promises remain. Tears smother my vision as I blink and try to sleep. There is only one person in the entire world who can save me from this, but she won't come to my aid. She won't remember. She may miss me but she still has love, she will still feel anothers warmth, she will be looked after, and she will only continue to grow as I deminish into nothing. I repaired her wings and set her free but she flew away.
There are now so many clouds, but not one silver lining among them. I have pride for what we achieved, yet it all seems cold, like a medal against my chest. Once again I must walk alone, with the vague hope she will pity me and return. The vain thought that she will remember what we have together; that our love still burns strong. That she will realise her mistake, change her mind and return to me. Unfortunately, she will move on, replace our loss with anothers love and learn to fear or tire of me - as my own unrequited longing will turn me insane. Can love ever return between two people when it is damaged? If you are reading this baby, my love, please find me again and we can try, I will be here waiting and hold no grudge. I miss you.
I guess broken men never attract affection. Broken men only sink, and right now I'm drowning.
